POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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Duolingo getting serious.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell