My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996