My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.