Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

problems i need

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.