*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My blood type is b hungry.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The Onion called it…again.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.