Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid