*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
What kind of a cult is this?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I cannot stop laughing at this
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer