@ericsshadow

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

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@DaddyJew

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

@SondraDeeMe

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

@BeagirlNJ

Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know

@TheBoydP

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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@PinkBlotMom

Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.

@DiamondLou69

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

@Amusitr0n

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

@garrettn

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.

@JordyHamrick

Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.