“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
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How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Best spot.. 😅
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Seas the day!!!!