I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
we’re gonna need another temp
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.