Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

water it, i dare you

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.