Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

💁🏻‍♂️

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????