Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

I can also cook 😂

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.