Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

synchronized noseblowing

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes