Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

#dnd #ttrpg

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

Holy moly

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar