My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Inside you there are two wolves
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.