My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.