My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”