my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
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Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
LOL
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
respect
