Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.