my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Legend 🤣🤣
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The asteroid..
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.