Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no