My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
This January has 47 Mondays
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My humor is broken
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?