My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
beware of dog
(jukin media)
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
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[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.