My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.