Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Basically.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Oh no

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

everyone’s a critic

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey