Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.