My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
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Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The 6 types of sex
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.