My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.