Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

a fate I wish upon no one

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”