Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.