My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
You Might Also Like
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“Sheer Arrogance”
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.