My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
You Might Also Like
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on