My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out