My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!