My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
yeah no that’s fair
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.