Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Pigeon open mic night.