My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Has science gone too far?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
At least try to make it slightly believable
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”