My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Same post same
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*