My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
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$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Venn
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
just got my engagement photos
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.