Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Not all heroes wear capes.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…