My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
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I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Only a mother’s love …
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.