My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
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When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
