Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Blew my mind.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
(2022)
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
That was easy.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.