Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

scared to check what name she chose

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on