My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You Might Also Like
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away