My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
File under excellent bookstore names.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING