My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.


Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.


Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.


Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]


Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control


Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.


Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.


FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool


This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.