My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Well, this explains it:
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Lol
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now