My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Where is your GOD now????
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ