Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Discuss

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.