Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

I know

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.