My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
You Might Also Like
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are