My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
💀🤣
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”