My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
#oldknees
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…