Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.