@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

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@miliondollameat

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

@tarashoe

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

@lazerdoov

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@KyleMcDowell86

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

@1followernodad

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

@_salt_n_lime

I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”

@fro_vo

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

@AshleyFrankly

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.