wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit
me: no babe she woke af
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
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religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”