My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.