Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified