My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I never needed anything more in my life
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”