My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
what do you want!!!!!!!!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*