Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

I have questions??

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl