Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?