My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Cat is stressing him out.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
me hitting on a model
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
When I face a minor setback
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning: