My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what