Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

*performs CPR on the turkey*

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?