My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.