Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.