My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
a fate I wish upon no one
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker