my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
