my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher