my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
What the dentist sees
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.