Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher