Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You Might Also Like
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.