My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Batman v Dracula
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.