My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
lmao😭🤣
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.