My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
But is it really??
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.