Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

just gave your address to some spiders

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

ㅤ