My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
You Might Also Like
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Every damn time
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.