Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

(Gaming support cat.)

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

How do you milk an almond?