Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be