Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”