“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
mom had nothing to worry about
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*