My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.

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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.


I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.


I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.


Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat


My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up



Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.


If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs