Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
You Might Also Like
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
awkward
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end